The misadventures of the Barbarian King
by suedthread128
Summary: This is a story of the Barbarian King attacking doing a raid and obviously, he screws everything up! DISCLAIMER: sorry to those that made the same kind of story before and this fanfic is kinda ripping them of.I didn't know if there were any other stories like this.
1. Chapter 1- I GOT OWNED IN A RAID

Ch 1- I GOT OWNED IN A RAID

I knew what I saw: Bloodshed, corpses. It feels not long ago that I was sleeping peacefully in my altar but nope! This jerk just HAD to raid Hyrule and ruin my afternoon nap! Then I saw probably the horrifying thing I had seen: thousands of balloons came across the land, followed by minions, I was sure what was this guy's tactic: the balloonnian. Suddenly, I blacked out.

When I woke up, everything was fine, for a second I thought I wasn't attacked;,then again, ley lines were really doing jobs since we got another inferno tower (AND the fact that we always raid some guy's village thus that said guy was trying revenge by raiding and saying I'm gonna kill you, have fun!).

'My lord!' a sudden voice shouted out.

I recognized that voice: the villagers. These women are like the archers' (I'll tell you about them later.) twin sisters or something like that. Personally, I'm not interested in women or cheesy stuff like that. So if someone asks me 'Do you have a girlfriend?' they'll be dead in seconds. The villagers and my tribe( I'll tell you about them later.) don't get along so the only time the villagers said the whole ' my lord' they're just joking around.

Anyway, it's probably time for another raid, so without a word, I drew my sword from my sheathe and sure enough, the people in the army camp advanced. I mount my horse and followed them.

Hey guys, I hope that you like this story and what do you think about it? Message me,do a review, whatever, let me know what you think and how I can improve.


	2. Chapter 2-WE PREPARED FOR NOTHING

Looks like the chief (this guy in a black hood) was getting a disease that makes the guy dumb, cause he used probably the weirdest strategy: Barbarians, Archers, goblins and giants. With that kind of formation, I have no hopes in winning the raid but hey, we could get tons of loot from the base, hopefully no one would screw up like the last time (talking to you goblin….) and maybe get at least 50% and win.

'Oy, B.K!' A barbarian said

'DAMN IT GUYS, I WAS THINKING ON HOW TO ATTACK THE BLOODY BASE, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO FREAKING INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M THINKING?'I said while I'm grabbing the barbarian by the pants…yeah, by the pants. Barbarians are strippers, don't worry though, they're only shirtless cause it would look really weird if they wore a black tie shirt. By the way, they're all brawn no brain.

'Jeez, we're only telling you that the chief is thinking that you would be the meatshield of the raid.'

Just the sound of meatshield made me dribble cause that means I'll be taking hits here and there(which is never a good sign). 'Ok…'I said, trying to sound calm (which I failed badly) 'so what's the plan?'

'Like I said you would be taking hits with the giants, while the others would go in and do damage. As usual, you should target the mortar first.'

'Got it.'

In clash, raiding is as normal as eating breakfast so you could see how many people died because of that, don't worry though, Troops and defenses are made out of elixir, so whenever someone dies, we could just revive them since elixir comes from leylines (which means we have an unlimited source).

'We're gonna attack on the right,you ready boss?'Asked the one of the giants.

'No.'

'WELL TOO BAD! DEAL WITH IT!'

And that was how I start the raid.


	3. Chapter 3-WE OWN STUFF

**I just went there and basically (trying to) trash the base but things aren't working out for me, the Wizard King's (Did I mention him? No, because he's freaking useless!)down, we only got 20%, and most of the troops are dead, and all of them died because of me,(yeah, my bad I stepped on all of them.) The chief was gonna call it a day, but I said to the chief through a empathy link 'OH HELL NO, WE AIN'T GONNA GO DOWN UNTIL I GO DOWN!'**

**Suddenly, my hand was glowing with purple light, most of the time that means I'm gonna die, but not this time, instead,a surge of energy came through me.**

'**that's enough play time,'I thought 'time to teach the maggots a lesson…'**

'**OY WIMPS! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?'**

**They flinched, but after a split second, another sword appeared on my right hand**

'**This is heavy…' I thought but no time to dwell on it, I immediately rushed through, vigorously destroying everything in my path.**

**Everyone, even the chief is surprised.**

'**WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS STANDING THERE? ATTACK!'**

'**CHARGE!'**

**Holy cow, with that sword which appeared out of nowhere, I just became a pekka with more mobility while wielding 2 swords, and with a blink, we achieved total annihilation.**


	4. Chapter 4-I GET A NEW HOUSE

After the raid, I immediately ran to the laboratory and had the guys check my sword.(I am NOT describing these guys, they're just plain creepy. They make everyone freak out and commit suicide.)

'Yo'

'Uh… hi?'

'Sit down and I'll check the blade'

'Ok'

**_A FEW HOURS LATER…._**

'You done yet?'

'Nope.'

_**A FEW MORE HOURS LATER….**_

'I've got good news… The good news is that your new blade is made out of celestial gold, which means you are now eligible to be one of the generals in Hyrule.'

'A general?'

'A dim-witted one apparently. Go ask the chief about it.'

After my audience with the creepy guys in the lab I went to the chief only to find out, he was a big strong guy that always strips and has six-pack abs…

Okay, time out: you probably know that I have no intention of being a stalker. But I have a bad habit of seeing what I'm not supposed to see.

'Oh uh, hi Barbarian King.' The chief said in an awfully calm voice, the way that he speaks when he's nervous.

I was seriously angry, mostly because of the chief, the guy who could lift a boulder with just a thumb didn't even bother protecting his home, that seriously ticks me off. 'The guys in the lab told me that my new title in combat is general'

'Okay, I'll announce that to the whole village. Also, you now get an altar upgrade!'

'Nice, good to know.'

Honestly, I seriously want my own living space, first off I lived in one of the barracks, second, I got one of those cheap altar that don't have anything but slab to put stuff. Now, I finally get a pretty small house. But hey, it's better than sleeping in the wild right?

'Anyways, you go to sleep, you look pretty tired, go to bed.'

And after that i dozed off in my future apartment.

What is up guys, thanks for all the support in this book, it's been really hard to make chapters lately due to my things about school and again, thanks for all of the support I'm so happy that you guys enjoyed it(hopefully) and well, this is suedthread128, signing off :)


	5. Chapter 5-WE GOT AMBUSHED BY A DOUCHE

' GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, ANYONE THAT IS ALIVE PLEASE GO TO THE TOWN HALL AT NOON, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION, NOW GET BACK TO WORK YA MUPPETS!'

Ugh, the chief's attitude seriously needs to change, I've had enough cursing and shouting when I eavesdropped the fight between the goblins and the archers on how to kill a Pekka most efficiently. Anyway, I ran across my stuff: My sword, check, my spare coat: check. My other sword that came out of nowhere? Check.

**A FEW HOURS LATER…**

'WELCOME THIS NOT-SO-SPECIAL ASSEMBLY STARRING ME, THE AWESOME CHIEF AND SUPREME LEADER OF YOUR PUNY VILLAGE…'

While the chief was blabbing on how awesome (not) he is, suddenly behind the chief, a loud explosion occurred, 'SURRENDER CITIZENS OF HYRULE, OR YOU SHALL FACE DEFEAT BY ME, THE GOBLIN KING!'

'ANYWAYS I WANNA TELL YOU THAT THE BARBARIAN KING IS NOW A COMMANDER, NOW ATTACK!'

We hacked and slashed, destroying the goblins one by one, but more keep coming, in fact, a few times I'd have to retreat to my own altar and grab some heal potions and hopefully supporting our team. The Wizard King was trying to keep healing us while sending a flurry of airstrikes at the enemy. Finally, the wave of goblins died down, I thought they have retreated, but then a roar, (not those super-fierce-looking-lion-roar, more like the-oh-my-glob-that-thing-is-so terrifying kind of roar) came out, most of us didn't know what that meant, so we might as well wait for the attackers...

'BY THE WAY, YOU CAN'T BEAT ME WITHOUT AIR DEFENCES…WAIT, SHOOT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ! '

'Well, you heard him, man the air defences!'


	6. Chapter 6- I am supreme lord of Flying

'ROARRRRRR'

There it is again, the roar, but this time much louder. Then out of nowhere, a bunch of dragons came and trashed the outer defenses with ease, the air defense took out a few of them, but before it did more damage, it was destroyed in one hit. The wizard king is trying to fend them off with airstrikes, but it still wasn't enough, I wish I could help, but I can't even reach them. Oh well, I guess I'll just go to my bed and sleep while one of the strongest creatures of the realm is trying to kill me.

'**GET YOUR BUTTS UP AND FIGHT! THE BUILDERS ARE MAKING A JETPACK AND THEY'RE COMING TO GIVE IT TO YOU! NOW FIGHT YOU WIMP!'**

There it is, the empathy link between me and the chief. But you gotta hand it to the guy, he made an empathy link between more than 2 people, break fights with a stupid samba dance, and he could predict the future, the builders were just…

'Hold still, I just have to do a bit of adjustments, and you are ready for literal lift off.'

And all I heard was me screaming 'AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! G-FORCE IN MY FACE!'

I dodged the fire, slew dragons one-by-one, and I wrecked them so fast, they didn't even try to defend, they couldn't even react fast enough to defend. Our army cheered, screaming for victory, another wave of goblins came rushing in, another wave of goblins evaporated in to elixir. Now who said that people with swords can't fight op-as-heck-it's-not-even-funny-gimme-a-rocket-launcher-to-kill-this-freaking-monster kind of flying dragon?

Just then, I remembered that this is just the start of the onslaught, the painful and dreaded attack which we could never survive without having a gigantic massacre…

* * *

><p>HEYOOO! SUEDTHREAD128 Here, I'm at school, typing this cause... uh... why not?<p>

**Alessandro: you make no sense.**

**UH...**

**Alessandro: THATS MY THING!**

**Me:*sigh Just review...**


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